EAT LIFE!

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend that I've known for over 15 years. Honestly, I cant even remember what we were talking about. But at one point in the conversation she tells me that she remembers around the time we first met that she and a few other mutual friends were having a conversation about me when one of them said with a mix of frustration and admiration, "That Vanessa......she just....she just...she EATS LIFE!"

BOOM! It was like a slap across the face! In that instant I felt like I woke up. Yes! Yes, I did EAT LIFE! I devoured it! It was mine! And I took it all in. No need for permission. No apologies.

Somewhere along the way and a few life altering events later, I stopped. Little by little, life began eating me. It ate away at my heart, my soul, my mind, my passion, my dreams, my everything. I became an altered and muted version of myself.

In some ways I was now more acceptable to others. Not so loud. Not so pushy. Not so in your face. Not stealing the spotlight as much. People seemed to be more comfortable with that. But not me. For me, life just sort of became dull. Not bad. But dull. The excitement was gone. I guess I sort of traded excitement for acceptance.

But your soul has a way of being relentless. I always carried a nagging feeling inside me that I couldn't seem to get rid of. There was an emptiness and a longing. It didn't let me give in. It didn't let me ignore it. It forced me to keep searching, even when maybe I didn't want to. It didn't let me accept what is as all that could be. Somewhere, deep down, I knew, acceptance was never really my cup of tea.

So, here I am. I turn 40 today. A lifetime behind me. A lifetime before me. And I stand here taking it all in. There have been ups and downs, good and bad, lessons and laughter, and the list goes on. I have my awesome and crazy family that loves me. I have my TRIFECTA that hold me up and make life just that extra bit of special. I have an amazing network of friends that all have their unique and special place in my life. I have a job that fills me and challenges me and the people I work with are like a second family. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and reliable transportation that gets me around. And last but certainly not least, I have Emily who has single handedly transformed my life for the better. All in all I would say its been pretty damn awesome! And I'm beyond thankful for all of that.

But there remains that nagging little issue that my soul won't let me forget. There's more out there. And perhaps this is the day that I finally open myself back up to that idea and let it wreak whatever havoc it must wreak. Maybe today is the day that I once again EAT LIFE!. Because it's still mine. I can still take it all in. I can still devour every little morsel. And I still don't need anyone's permission. And I definitely don't need to apologize for it. And well, as I said before, acceptance was never really my thing so maybe I don't really need it after all

So, as I head into my 40's - smarter, wiser, stronger, clearer - I have no idea what the future holds for me. But what I do know is that there is new life in me and I will devour every bit of life that I have left. There will be excitement. And I will make no apologies for it! I will EAT LIFE once again. And I think you should join me.

Happy 40th Birthday to ME!

 

Much love, Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

In Memory of Ernie...

It still all feels surreal.

It was a year ago, September 12th to be exact, that this journey began. We found out that Ernie had Stage 4 lung cancer. He was only 44. He had never smoked. It didn't make sense. We were devastated, confused, and scared.

But, as we would all come to learn during the year that followed, Ernie was special. He was a warrior with a heart of gold. From the moment he found out he handled it all with a peace, and strength and grace unlike anything I have ever seen before.  He made a choice to fight for as many days as God would allow him and to make each one count. He also chose to let everyone in and to share his journey with the world. I'm not sure what prompted him to do that. But I'm sure that he could not have ever imagined that he would touch so many lives the way that he did.

No matter what happened or how much pain he was in his posts were always uplifting. He always made sure to mention what a beautiful day it was and encouraged everyone to enjoy it. There were good days and there were bad days but he met every single day with a grace and courage that inspired us all. And his smile, his smile lit up the room and reassured us.

His journey made me question everything - my life, my faith, my beliefs, my relationships, my actions, etc. Whenever I was tempted to complain about something trivial, I remembered his grace and courage and smile. Whenever I was tempted to behave in a way that I knew was not offering the best of me, I remembered his grace and courage and smile. Whenever I was tempted to get caught up in the small stuff that I now know doesn't matter in the grand scheme of life, I remembered his grace and courage and smile. He became my source of inspiration to always strive to be the best person I could be and to use my life to try and inspire others the way he inspired me. And I have tried to do just that.  I don't know if I'm always successful. In fact, I'm sure that I often fall short. But what I know for sure is that I am not the same person I was before and that I will continue to strive to always be the best person that I can be.

During his last few weeks of life and after his passing so many people reached out to me. Some of you had known him your whole lives and others just a short time. Some of you knew him well and others just in passing. All of you shared stories about how special he was to you. I heard stories about how he made your life better in some way; how he lifted you up when you were down; how he befriended you when you didn't know anyone, etc. While hearing all of these stories warmed my heart, I was not surprised by any of them. They only confirmed for me who I already knew Ernie to be. What I was surprised by was how many people who had NEVER met him but were following his story reached out to me as well.  They too had stories to tell about how seeing Ernie's story unfold each day helped them keep their spirits up throughout their own illness.  There were stories about how Ernie's journey helped people reconnect with their faith. There were stories about how Ernie's spirit inspired them to do and be better. 

It was the totality of all of these stories and testimonies that made me realize that Ernie was here to be a teacher. He was here to remind us about how to live and love and laugh, no matter what. He was here to encourage us to be the best people we can be and to offer the best of ourselves to others. He was here to inspire us to use our lives to inspire others. He was here to confirm for us that we need to not sweat the small stuff as he would so often say, but to stay focused on the big picture of life and to make every day of it count.

Ernie had a light in him that was as bright as the sun. And I believe that his light helped to turn on a light in each of us. And the energy and spirit of that light that remains in each of us and all around us is his legacy. And as such, I would just ask that you all remember Ernie, remember his spirit.  Keep it with you as you go about each day. Let it continue to inspire and guide you. Use his life as an example for your own and live your life in a way that pays tribute to his legacy. And use your life to inspire others in his name. Don't go back to business as usual once the dust settles. Let the lessons his life taught us change you and make you better and pass it on.  This is how we can honor Ernie and what he meant to us.

Yesterday, after the services were over, some of us went to grab a bite to eat. I sat across from his son and just watched him. I was so overwhelmed with emotion because it was so clear to me how much of his father is in him. That same light and laughter and smile. I watched him all throughout the funeral stand there with such grace and maturity, constantly checking in on his mom to make sure she was ok. He represented his father in a way that I know made Ernie proud. And I couldn't help but to imagine all of the people that his son's life will touch as his own life continues to unfold.

For those that are interested we have started a fundraiser to help raise money on Ernie's behalf in support of his son. If any of you are inspired to give, please visit https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/zv03/ernie-s-army-of-angels-fund.

Last, but definitely not least, there is his amazing wife Ana. I have grown to love her and appreciate her so much throughout this time. She has earned my respect, love and admiration and she will forever have a sister in me. She was by his side every step of the way supporting him and helping him with a dignity and strength and grace that had me in awe.  I told her at one point that their relationship and family was such a great example of what love and family means. They were a true team that had each other's back at every turn. He was as blessed to have her and she was to have him. And I'm sure their son cannot fully comprehend and appreciate how blessed he is to have them as his parents but he will know one day, I'm sure.

Thank you to everyone for your love and support during this time and thank you for letting me share Ernie's story with you. It has meant the world to me.

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

Outing myself for my birthday...

Today I turn 39. I always make a point of giving myself a gift on my birthday. But for this birthday none of the typical types of gifts I usually give myself interested me. This year...it would have to be something different. Something more. Something life changing.

And then it hit me. Next year I will be 40. My 30's have been a time of significant transformation. I need to honor that transformation by making this last year of my 30's a year of even more transformation that will carry me into my 40's a better person.

Over the past few years I have changed so many things in my life in an effort to be a better person. There will always be more to do but I feel good about where I am at this point in my life. I have dealt with most of the things that were obstacles, overcome them, and replaced them with things that enrich my life. And that feels great. But with the arrival of my 39 birthday and the path to 40 in front of me, I can no longer ignore the fact that there was one area where I was still failing. I could no longer deny that there was a major part of me that I have not been able to fix. And I could no longer turn my back on the truth that was in front of me. I knew that this needed to be the focus of my life for this year. I knew that tackling this had to be the gift I gave to myself. And I knew that in order for me to do it successfully I needed to 'out' myself.

The truth is that for many years I have been waging a war against my body and it has gotten to the point that I barely recognize myself and it is impacting my health and well being in many different ways.  This is not just about weight. As a matter of fact, I think that one of the reasons I have been failing at dealing with this issue for so long is because I thought it was an issue of weight and tried to deal with it with all of the typical 'weight loss' methods. Not only did they not work but they only made things worse. It's only been during this past year as I've made progress in other areas of my life that I came to truly understand that at some point the occasional food over indulgence had grown into me being in a completely abusive and compulsive relationship with myself when it came to food.

I don't want to get into all of the many reasons why this has happened. At least not yet. Maybe I will blog about those things at another time. Its sufficient at this time to say that there were many people, places, things, events and circumstances that have occurred over my lifetime that left me feeling disconnected from my body and my soul. And over the years that disconnection left me feeling empty and incomplete. And as many people do I tried to fill the void in many ways that were not good for me. But as I've been cleaning out my life of many of the other negative ways I tried to fill the void it seems that the only outlet left to hold my feelings and help me stay disconnected from myself was to eat. And so while other areas of my life got better this area kept getting worse. At first I didn't understand. I was finally in a good place and feeling better than I have ever felt before. So many things were going well and working out for me.  Why was this one thing getting worse? I couldn't figure it out but I didn't really try. Going there was too painful so I just kept focusing on everything else and let that problem just continue to grow.

As I started reconnecting with my soul through the work I have been doing on myself and the many transformations that have taken place, the disconnect with my body became to painful to ignore anymore. The truth is that the real me...the complete me has been hiding. I can feel that my light is dimmed because of this. I can feel that I have become a muted version of myself which prevents me from living my life to its fullest potential. I know that the last piece of the puzzle is hiding in this compulsion that has been several years in the making. I know that if I really want to continue to progress and be on this life journey that I need to reconnect with all the parts of me and that includes this one. This will mean going inside and uncovering all of those things I've been trying to ignore. I know it will not be easy but it is necessary.

So today, on my 39th birthday I am declaring a year long journey back to health. This is not a declaration to lose a certain amount of weight by a certain time. This is not about some diet I'm going to start or an exercise program I am going to begin. This is about an unstructured process of self discovery and reconnection that needs to begin with complete acceptance of where I am today. My goal is to end the abusive relationship with my body. My goal is to heal all of the unhealthy messages that have been programmed into me and replace them with acceptance. My goal is to redefine my relationship with my body into one that honors it. My goal is to replace the abuse with love.  And in the end my hope is that through this process I will begin to make healthier choices. In doing so, I hope that my body will be become healthier and stronger and an external expression of what is inside of me. My hope is that when I cross that 40 threshold I do so leaving this abusive relationship that does not serve me behind and I walk into my 40's with a new healthy and loving relationship that will allow me to fully express myself in the world.

I know that some of the people that will read this are some of the people that have contributed in some way to this problem in the first place. I know there are some people that will read it that will not wish me well. But I am not writing this for them. They no longer matter to me. That is the point of outing myself. To say that I acknowledge what I have created but that I'm not 'hiding' anymore. I accept myself as I am and I alone define where I go from here and how I get there. I am no longer letting in the negativity. I write this blog for myself.  I write this blog for those of you who I know cheer me on, encourage me, and pray for my well being. I write this blog for those of you who are battling with any kind of abusive relationship with yourself, so you know you are not alone and that there is no shame in it.  The only shame comes in not accepting and loving yourself in whatever place you might be in your life.

So for those of you that love me and support me, I invite you in to be a part of the journey. I look to you for encouragement and love.  Keep me motivated. Keep me focused.  Keep me accountable. I'm counting on you.

Of course I will keep you updated on my progress and the many battles I know I will encounter along the way. I am excited and anxious. I'm eager and scared. But most importantly, I'm not hiding anymore. And that's what matters.

And with that I begin my journey to 40...one healthy...loving choice at a time.

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)